Sometime's You Lose It

       

       I lost it today. I mean, completely lost my sugar honey iced tea. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. At and in front of my kids. Then I felt this big. I took myself to the kitchen and began mindlessly loading the dishwasher and wiping counters. I then took to yelling at God. It took me screaming at my kids and throwing a toy across the room to get to the root of what was wrong. I was trying to suppress my negative emotions, not pray about them, just ignore them in hopes that they would go away. I have been planning for days to write another blog post but I haven't been able to focus or come up with something on a whim to write. Even when I prayed about it, I got halfway through a rough draft and my train of thought and idea completely stopped. I honestly don't even know what I'm going to write about during this post. I'm just sitting at my computer typing the next thing that comes to my mind. In this season of life I'm having a rough time. As a mom, I am always needed by someone. Needing to hold someone, or wipe some one's butt, or get someone a drink, the list goes on and on. I know that many of you are probably thinking that I am going to miss this one day and, most likely, I will. But today, May 4th, 2016 I am annoyed with it. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and am extremely blessed with the ability to stay home with them. It's just that right now, in this moment, while the baby is screaming for no reason other than he wants to be held, I am broken. I feel like God is giving me "riddles". Not speaking to me clearly but expecting me to take little snippets here and there and figure it out. I don't like it.

I read my bible, come against the attacks of the enemy, sing praises to Him, stay linked up with strong, like minded believers but I still feel as though none of that is good enough! Being blessed and called to serve on a deeper spiritual level is proving to be quite hard. I am sitting here in tears because I feel guilty even saying any of this. I feel like I should just be able to deal. The truth is, I'm tired and worn and I just want it to be easy for a little bit. I don't want to wake up each day expecting a battle. I can't find joy or peace right now in the midst of all of this chaos in my mind. God is doing a huge work but with that work comes a big responsibility on my part. I don't think I am strong enough for it. I don’t know if I can remember and put into practice every day what it is that I’m supposed to do to be able to do that of  which He has called me. Tomorrow I will probably feel different, tomorrow I may have a new perspective. But today? Today I am struggling.