Thursday, May 26, 2016

One Of The Hardest Things


It's not something that comes easy. It goes against all societal norms. It goes against our feelings and thinking patterns as human beings. I don't know about you but when I get angry, forgiveness is the last thing on my mind. I would rather lash out and give somebody a verbal "what-for". We try to avenge ourselves. As believers, we are commanded to love our enemies and pray for those who despitefully use us. Romans 12:19 says  "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord".

To forgive, we must look at the condition of our hearts. Lately, I have had a hard time. I am bitter, angry, and fed up with a certain situation.  Even writing this, I want to be free, but I also want vengeance! I'm just being real with you. A wise sister in Christ told me earlier that God is using this situation to grow me. He wants to see how I will respond. He wants me to seek Him, allow vengeance to be His and allow the Holy Spirit to change my heart. This is not something that I can do of my own will.

I am a mess. Rotten, dirty and broken, but I want to act as though I am superior to someone else and refuse to extend forgiveness. This stops today! I may not feel love in my heart, but I CHOOSE it. I surrender to the Lord. I want Him to change me from the inside out. Give me His words and thoughts. Give me the strength to extend love and turn the other cheek. God's word says "If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:46-48 (NLT). I want to be different! I want to be set apart! Undignified in my pursuit for God. Going against the grain and against what is thought to be "normal".

God's grace is new every morning. He gives us another chance even when we screwed up the day, hour and moment before. He forgives us for all of our sins. He meets us where we are in the middle of all of our yuck and LOVES us!! I don't deserve any of what God gives me but he gives it freely. Why can't I let go of my flesh, surrender to God and forgive? Jesus was beaten, mocked and scorned, yet He forgave. God watched His ONLY son go through hell to save ME! I am unworthy but God says he loves me and that I am seated in heavenly places with Him. I need to start acting like it!

Saturday, May 14, 2016


The Lord has called us to Texas. To move and make a life there. He has spoken that promise over our lives. We have disclosed this to friends and family and started making plans. The thing about it is that God gave us this word, but did not give us a time frame. Obviously, we thought it was going to happen in the immediate future and when things didn't come together as we would have liked, we had to being to press into God and reevaluate. This reevaluation process has come with a lot of frustration, tears and pride. My biggest issue with the whole thing has been "Well, I've told people about it...what are they going to think if we don't go right now?". God has had to really work on me and honestly, there is still a hint of pride there but, through the power of my heavenly Father, I am working on it! He has given us a timeframe. He is preparing us, molding us and equipping us for when we do embark on that adventure. Not everyone will understand because is not meant for them to understand and that's ok. That is not my concern. Obedience to God is my concern. There is such freedom in that!

A big thing that I have been praying for is contentment. Contentment with who I am, where we live, what we are doing in this season of life. It has not been easy and it's a process. I realize that people will have their opinions, thoughts and comments but our journey and path is not for them. I made the comment yesterday about how I wanted to be like Noah. He heard from and obeyed the Lord, regardless of what others thought or said and he was saved! That's pretty powerful!

The bible doesn't say "Make other's opinions and reactions the center of all you do", it says " I keep my eyes ALWAYS on the Lord. With Him at my right hand,, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8 (emphasis added). In my life, I have always tried my hardest to please those around me. My parents, family, friends, the church... and I usually failed miserably. Now I am striving for my heavenly reward. I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul. I want to please my Daddy, God. I challenge you to do the same. Let go of your worries about what other people think or say. Be content with who God made you and where he has you right now! He loves you and knows every single thing about you. He sent His son to die for us and all of our junk! I deserve the suffering and shame of the cross but God loved me enough to spare me from that! The least I can do is be content and thankful.

I am so happy to be on this journey and I am thankful for a God who answers prayer. Through this He is changing our hearts and minds. We are reading and leaning into God. Drawing our strength from Him. I have learned a new way to pray. He has given my husband a fire and a hunger for His word that I never imagined would happen. He has elevated us to places I never thought possible! I always figured that more money and more "stuff" would make me happy but I am learning that if I put my hope in the Lord, He will make me rich spiritually!

                                                                                              In Him,

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Sometime's You Lose It


       I lost it today. I mean, completely lost my sugar honey iced tea. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. At and in front of my kids. Then I felt this big. I took myself to the kitchen and began mindlessly loading the dishwasher and wiping counters. I then took to yelling at God. It took me screaming at my kids and throwing a toy across the room to get to the root of what was wrong. I was trying to suppress my negative emotions, not pray about them, just ignore them in hopes that they would go away. I have been planning for days to write another blog post but I haven't been able to focus or come up with something on a whim to write. Even when I prayed about it, I got halfway through a rough draft and my train of thought and idea completely stopped. I honestly don't even know what I'm going to write about during this post. I'm just sitting at my computer typing the next thing that comes to my mind. In this season of life I'm having a rough time. As a mom, I am always needed by someone. Needing to hold someone, or wipe some one's butt, or get someone a drink, the list goes on and on. I know that many of you are probably thinking that I am going to miss this one day and, most likely, I will. But today, May 4th, 2016 I am annoyed with it. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and am extremely blessed with the ability to stay home with them. It's just that right now, in this moment, while the baby is screaming for no reason other than he wants to be held, I am broken. I feel like God is giving me "riddles". Not speaking to me clearly but expecting me to take little snippets here and there and figure it out. I don't like it.

I read my bible, come against the attacks of the enemy, sing praises to Him, stay linked up with strong, like minded believers but I still feel as though none of that is good enough! Being blessed and called to serve on a deeper spiritual level is proving to be quite hard. I am sitting here in tears because I feel guilty even saying any of this. I feel like I should just be able to deal. The truth is, I'm tired and worn and I just want it to be easy for a little bit. I don't want to wake up each day expecting a battle. I can't find joy or peace right now in the midst of all of this chaos in my mind. God is doing a huge work but with that work comes a big responsibility on my part. I don't think I am strong enough for it. I don’t know if I can remember and put into practice every day what it is that I’m supposed to do to be able to do that of  which He has called me. Tomorrow I will probably feel different, tomorrow I may have a new perspective. But today? Today I am struggling.